I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Vodka?
Forever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize