haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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