They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
