i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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