the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
