you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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