Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
