I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
