my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
