i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize