Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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