I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
