some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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