So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
