I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
