the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
