chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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