I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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