According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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