I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
