I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
