Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
