apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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