someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
