by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize