Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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