I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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