My liver just broke up with me...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
