At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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