I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was like eating out sand paper
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
