Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
