you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i wish my penis had a tongue
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
