my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize