so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
