You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
