i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
high people should be assigned attendants
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize