oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
