I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How does it feel to date your dad?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
