YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i think my cat just said my name.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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