Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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