Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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