You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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