is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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