will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
