Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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