i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
