I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
