sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
