Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize