Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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