I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What a fucking waste of an outfit
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
