How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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