i barfeds in our rink
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
