i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
