we're chasing vodka with high fives
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
