the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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