Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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