If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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