mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
