its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
