ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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