That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize